Lincoln in Comics Part II

Scooby Doo #2, Marvel Comics Nov 1977
Scooby Doo meets Lincoln

Unknown Artist/ Writer

Lincoln runs for governor, is exposed by Scooby Doo.

http://marvel.wikia.com/Scooby_Doo_Vol_1_2

Abraham Lincoln has returned from the dead and has returned as a ghost. The first thing he decides to do is run for governor of Scooby’s homes state. I don’t know which is more astounding, the fact that Lincoln has returned from the grave, or that a Great Dane can not only talk, but solve mysteries.





Fred decides the best way to get to the bottom of this is to dress as a garbage man with a bow tie and cat whiskers, and find out what the people are saying about Lincoln on the zombie ticket. It beats the hell out of those annoying calls from poll workers at dinner time I guess.



The gang then finds a book about the real Lincoln, and decide the imposter must have studied it too, because how else would he know about such an obscure figure from history like Lincoln?



It turns out this Lincoln was a phony after all, but I don’t think leashing a Great Dane to a skinny stand up lamp would do much good. At least you won’t be in the dark when it bites your face off.

 

 

Lincoln in Comics Part 1

Long before the films Abraham Lincoln VS the Zombies and Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, Lincoln was arm wrestling deadly scalp hunters, traveling through time, and having his consciousness deposited in an android from the future.

1) The Unexpected 217, DC Comics, Dec 1981

Lincoln outsmarts aliens in the future.
Sheldon Mayer Writer/Artist Ernie Colon cover Artist

Here we have an alive Lincoln in an astronaut suit sitting in his memorial. If you are wondering what he is doing, by the look on his face I would say he is either about to blast off into space, or he is taking a dump. I do believe astronauts wear adult diapers, so maybe he is doing both.
Don’t worry, it really doesn’t have anything to do with the story. Yes, the story of an astronaut Lincoln would be pretty cool, but a time traveling Lincoln saving the Earth from aliens is about ten times cooler.

First, Abe finds himself standing outside Ford theatre, only it’s 400 years after his death. He almost gets hit by a hover car.

In the most ill placed instance of road rage in the history of comics, a bitchy woman gets out of her car and chastises Lincoln for standing in a hover zone. She recognizes Lincoln from history, so what does she do next? She accuses him of being an alien spy of course! It’s probably what I would have done as well. Only Lincoln disappears and shows up in a tube in the next panel.

So, Lincoln showed up in a strange place, almost got hit by a car, which is something that didn’t exist in his time, and now finds himself talking to strangely dressed scientists. So what do these scientists do to ease his confusion? Show him a tape of his assassination of course!  I know they need to explain why he is there, but showing a man his brains leaking with his wife screaming over his body is kind of dickish. At least they showed the gory part off panel.

Now the scientists tell Lincoln he was replaced with a clone body double. Kind of the same thing as yelling out psych! You didn’t really die, just your family and the whole nation thinks you did! Lincoln is overwhelmed by everything that has happened to him, and a snooty senator tells him to stop being such a pussy, the galaxy is counting on him.

Lincoln learns that changing the past is illegal because someone went back in time and gave Napoleon a tank and screwed up history.  Except for the fact that America still had a civil war and Lincoln still became president. For some reason we will have humanoid robots cook our dinners but we will still have to watch VHS tapes for our history lessons. Damn you Napoleon!

In a natural progression of tainted voting machines, it was decided that voters weren’t need anymore, computers decide the election. Except that people still carry campaign signs and they still call it an election. And if this were the case, they wouldn’t need Lincoln to run for president of the galaxy, they would need Bill Gates to hack the computers. Except that story wouldn’t be as awesome.

Of course Lincoln escapes. You would think maybe he would reprogram the robot, or at least shoot it with a laser beam. Instead, he uses the awesome power of algebra to find a secret tunnel. That will teach you kids to stay awake and study hard.

It’s an election fix. They needed the real Lincoln to talk on the vhs tapes to give to the super computer, then they could substitute the real Lincoln with a clone they could control. But if they could make a clone, why wouldn’t his tapes….Oh shit, I don’t know. But anyway, Lincoln pulled a good old fashioned 19th century switcharoo.

Once Abe got wind of the plot,  he reprogrammed his sexy robot maid even though he didn’t have so much as an electric light bulb in his day. Of course the scientists and bitchy senator were aliens. That explains their dickish behavior from earlier.


So, the aliens change back into humans, and decide to hide in lockers. Because that is what humans who totally aren’t aliens do. Of course Lincoln rigged the truth gun so they would look like aliens when the cops show up. Instead of finding a way home, Lincoln decides to stay and try stand up comedy.

After reading this story I don’t think Lincoln hunting vampires is bizarre at all. In fact, after reading this story I don’t think I’m legally sane anymore.

December 2012

I predict that nothing too crazy is going to happen, leaving millions of people disapointed. It is the end of an age, and the beginning of a new one, but who said everything has too change in one day? Why couldn't it be a more gradual change that lasts over a period of months? I remember years ago my now college age daughter was 9 years old, and she rushed outside on the first day of spring expecting to see leaves on the trees. I had to explain to her it just didn't work like that, the change happened gradually. So what are we changing too? I don't know, but I don't think that this time next year we will be broken down into a fuedal society going to war over the last few cans of tuna while a bunch of rich guys wait things out inside a cavern deep inside the bowels of the Earth. Even if I knew for sure a bad earthquake was coming, I don't think I would want to be in a cave that could collapse on me. If I'm wrong, jump on this post after the fact and point it out to me. Of course the very ability to do that would mean that I was correct all along.

Time Traveler

The following is a short exerpt from a novel I am working on. . The Library was built sometime in the 19th century, and it had two floors. On the first floor was the front desk, Children’s books on the left of it, and DVD section on the right. I have signed out DVDs from the library before. About one out of every three doesn’t freeze up. I turn to my left and head up the stairs to where they store the true knowledge. On the wall about halfway up the stairs is a 130 year old painting of some old geezer who founded the library. I thought he looked a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge, but the Scrooge after he had his epiphany. Below the painting the words “Free Your Mind” was engraved on a plaque. I walked past the painting and made my way to the graphic novel section. There were some great graphic novels there, but they were ones I had read before. Sandman: Endless Nights Blackest , The Incredible Hulk: the End, and the Dark Tower: The Way Station. I suppose I could have picked one of these up and reread them, but my mind was hungry for new information. More than one of these graphic novels had to do with time travel a favorite subject of mind when it comes to fiction. I had always been a big fan of time travel stories, The idea of visiting the past to see how things really were, or to travel to the future to see technology that I could not even conceive of appealed to me. So I walked over to the science fiction section to see if I could find a time travel story that I hadn’t heard of. On the way there something in the science section caught my eye. It was a book entitle “ The Speed of Thought”. I picked it up and looked at the cover. It was a poor illustration of three stages of life. A child, a middle aged man, and an old man. I had always heard you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, so I opened it and red the dust cover insert. cc Ed Johnson . . I don't know if I'll ever finish it, but if any of my readers are publishers, contact me.

Seger, Urban, Keith Tickets

I remember back in the 80’s when I was a freshman in high school, the first cassette I ever owned was Bob Seger’s Greatest hits. He remains one of my favorite artists to this day. Fire Lake is one of my favorites. It's a song about taking chances, something I am familiar with. To get bob seger tickets, check out Ticket America. If you are more into country music, you can also get keith urban concert tickets and toby keith concert tickets.

Those Crazy Gnomes!

AS I had stated in my previous post, I have recently lost my job and I am now devoting my time towards my passion for writing. Strangely, there is a website that will pay me to write if I publish on this blog the line "Grow your own gnome". Longtime followers of this blog will know that I strongly believe in "syncromystism". I hope I spelled that right. Anyway, my last manager was about the size of a gnome, only he didn't have one of those bitchin pointy hats. So it is appropriate that I am to grow my own gnome, because I am my own agent/manager now. Anyway, I should be writing somethin on here soon.

2012

Hello Friends Perhaps it is fate that has brought me back to this blog scant months before the famous historical date of December 22 2012. (Or was it the 21rst or 23rd?) I remember when I was 11 years old and I first heard Leonard Nimoy mention this date as the end of the world. (Truth is, it was 2011, not 2012. It appears that even a deadline this big can be pushed back) Of course, later interpretations changed the date to 2012 due to uh, damned if I know. But they have to be pretty smart to be able to read Mayan, so I guess they got it right. But that’s not the truth, is it? The truth is they could give us any date they want, and Bob from Peoria isn’t going to know anything different. There is also some talk that the Earth is going to be in the galactic center of the universe. I guess some astronomers know this as fact. I would check this out for myself, but I can’t see the beginning or the end of the universe, so how the hell am I going to find the center? These observations has led me to believe that the date of the end of the world is bullshit. Something to sell books and History Channel programming. That was until the events of last week. After three years of service at the same dealership, my time as a car salesman has come to an abrupt end. There were signs that it was coming, but I failed to heed them because the truth was, I was ready for my career to be over. Shiva the destroyer came and took everything in my career that I had worked for. It is a good thing, because now a new career can begin. So for me Dec 21 2012 has already happened, and I am grateful for it. Now is the time for me to start building a new and better world. I am now a professional writer, and expect to be paid for my work. However, on this blog I will still be handing out freebies.. Thank you my friends and stay tuned, Ed J