Thursday, January 3, 2013

Lincoln in Comics Part 1

Long before the films Abraham Lincoln VS the Zombies and Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, Lincoln was arm wrestling deadly scalp hunters, traveling through time, and having his consciousness deposited in an android from the future.

1) The Unexpected 217, DC Comics, Dec 1981

Lincoln outsmarts aliens in the future.
Sheldon Mayer Writer/Artist Ernie Colon cover Artist

Here we have an alive Lincoln in an astronaut suit sitting in his memorial. If you are wondering what he is doing, by the look on his face I would say he is either about to blast off into space, or he is taking a dump. I do believe astronauts wear adult diapers, so maybe he is doing both.
Don’t worry, it really doesn’t have anything to do with the story. Yes, the story of an astronaut Lincoln would be pretty cool, but a time traveling Lincoln saving the Earth from aliens is about ten times cooler.

First, Abe finds himself standing outside Ford theatre, only it’s 400 years after his death. He almost gets hit by a hover car.

In the most ill placed instance of road rage in the history of comics, a bitchy woman gets out of her car and chastises Lincoln for standing in a hover zone. She recognizes Lincoln from history, so what does she do next? She accuses him of being an alien spy of course! It’s probably what I would have done as well. Only Lincoln disappears and shows up in a tube in the next panel.

So, Lincoln showed up in a strange place, almost got hit by a car, which is something that didn’t exist in his time, and now finds himself talking to strangely dressed scientists. So what do these scientists do to ease his confusion? Show him a tape of his assassination of course!  I know they need to explain why he is there, but showing a man his brains leaking with his wife screaming over his body is kind of dickish. At least they showed the gory part off panel.

Now the scientists tell Lincoln he was replaced with a clone body double. Kind of the same thing as yelling out psych! You didn’t really die, just your family and the whole nation thinks you did! Lincoln is overwhelmed by everything that has happened to him, and a snooty senator tells him to stop being such a pussy, the galaxy is counting on him.

Lincoln learns that changing the past is illegal because someone went back in time and gave Napoleon a tank and screwed up history.  Except for the fact that America still had a civil war and Lincoln still became president. For some reason we will have humanoid robots cook our dinners but we will still have to watch VHS tapes for our history lessons. Damn you Napoleon!

In a natural progression of tainted voting machines, it was decided that voters weren’t need anymore, computers decide the election. Except that people still carry campaign signs and they still call it an election. And if this were the case, they wouldn’t need Lincoln to run for president of the galaxy, they would need Bill Gates to hack the computers. Except that story wouldn’t be as awesome.

Of course Lincoln escapes. You would think maybe he would reprogram the robot, or at least shoot it with a laser beam. Instead, he uses the awesome power of algebra to find a secret tunnel. That will teach you kids to stay awake and study hard.

It’s an election fix. They needed the real Lincoln to talk on the vhs tapes to give to the super computer, then they could substitute the real Lincoln with a clone they could control. But if they could make a clone, why wouldn’t his tapes….Oh shit, I don’t know. But anyway, Lincoln pulled a good old fashioned 19th century switcharoo.

Once Abe got wind of the plot,  he reprogrammed his sexy robot maid even though he didn’t have so much as an electric light bulb in his day. Of course the scientists and bitchy senator were aliens. That explains their dickish behavior from earlier.

So, the aliens change back into humans, and decide to hide in lockers. Because that is what humans who totally aren’t aliens do. Of course Lincoln rigged the truth gun so they would look like aliens when the cops show up. Instead of finding a way home, Lincoln decides to stay and try stand up comedy.

After reading this story I don’t think Lincoln hunting vampires is bizarre at all. In fact, after reading this story I don’t think I’m legally sane anymore.

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