Friday, May 8, 2009

Feed the Pig

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I can’t pretend to understand why the Swine flu has been hyped as much as it has. If Mexico City has populations of 30 million and 168 people there have gotten sick with the swine flu, which means that swine flu has infected 0.000005 percent of the population! And even if you catch it, you are not likely to die. I would not be afraid to walk around Mexico City without a Michael Jackson mask, and I would even visit a barbecue pork restaurant there. It can’t be any worse than the MSG crap they put in fast food.

The hype from the nightly news was so bad that my wife, who doesn’t believe most conspiracy stories, has theorized that it was invented by a drug company in order to peddle vaccines. It is strange that it’s part bird, pig, and human influenza. It kind of reminds me of Manbearpig from South Park, only named Manbirdpig.

What follows is a satirical news report. Satirical means funny make believe, much like the danger of swine flu. Any resemblance to actual persons is coincidental.

“The threat of swine flu was downgraded today, much to the disappointment of the Council for World Governance. “We are very disappointed in the failure of Swine Flu.” Stated Council president Joe Wellington. “We were hoping for quarantines, curfews, and riots among the lower masses. Because the Swine flu wasn’t very potent, this did not happen.”

“I don’t understand what went wrong. We worked for months splicing the different strains of flu together. I guess you really don’t know what you got until you make a test run.” Ken Brewster of Biological Research and Development was quoted as saying.

Preparations for a Swine flu vaccine have been put on hold. “WE can’t justify giving a vaccine that may hurt people for a virus as impotent as Swine flu. We just don’t think we would be able to get away with it.”
Thomas Scott, owner of vaccine manufacturer Novision has refused comment. “He’s very disappointed. He was expecting to make billions for the company, and now barring a mutation that isn’t going to happen.” An anonymous company spokesperson told us.

“Still, it’s not a complete failure. It (swine flu) showed us all of our media outlets are still towing the line, and we were able to scare about 5% of the population as well as sow some seeds of mistrust among the ethnic groups of the lower classes.” Said Wellington.

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